As much as I'd like to say this blog is about Daenerys of Game of Thrones losing her marbles and going berserk, it is not. However, Daenerys gave us a great example of what NOT to do; and what we often do when we allow our shadows take over our light. When we are hurt, and see an apparent end to an expectation or dream we have, we have a choice: let it go, or self destruct...or, ya know, self destruct while destroying everything around us.
How many times have you chosen destruction instead of letting go?
Have you gotten sick of a job that offers no growth, and started showing up late, forgetting tasks, and being aloof towards co-workers? Destruction. Upon realization that a romantic relationship isn't going to work out, have you ever started acting avoidant, rude, or unfaithful towards your partner? Destruction. Is there a time when you were hurt by someone, and took to Facebook to slander their name publicly? Destruction. Regardless of how justified you (or me) felt taking these actions, you weren't. I wasn't. No one heals their own pain by hurting others. Leaving a toxic situation "guns a blazing" may feel like the right thing to do, like you have gained control over the situation; but it isn't, you haven't.
Letting go is healthy, destruction is the shadow of letting go. Letting go is practicing acceptance, and peacefully leaving behind something or someone that is no longer in alignment with your path. Destruction is the absence of acceptance, and the futile attachment to a fictional sense of control.
If you have exhibited these destructive behaviors in the past, give yourself a break. Really, give yourself a break. We are culturally programmed by stories, movies, and shows that promise perfect dialogues and happy endings. It's no wonder we have a tendency to freak out when real life doesn't mirror what we've been inadvertently taught to be "true". Sometimes this world is cruel to us, and we react in a destructive way. Forgiving yourself for burning bridges and self destructing is the first step in overcoming the behavior, and preventing it in the future. Luckily, there is a cure for this "dis-ease". The way to cure destructive behavior in yourself is by practicing acceptance and detachment.
"I accept that this relationship is not working out. I cannot control this person. I am going to detach from the outcome, and do what I know in my heart is right."
"I accept that this job is no longer right for me. I cannot control my employer or coworkers. I am going to detach from the outcome, and do what I know in my heart is right."
Anytime you feel as if you are slipping out of alignment with ANYTHING in your life, this should be your mantra: "I accept that _____ is no longer working for me. I cannot control_____. I am going to detach from the outcome, and do what I know in my heart is right." Taking on this mindset will not only offer you peace, it will also help you resolve any problem in a healthy way. In fact, being in this mindset may help you realize that you're the problem. Ouch.
Are you the problem? Are you the person catalyzing the destructive behaviors of others by being destructive yourself? If so, hey, give yourself a break. We all get a few turns at being the problem. I've been the problem, you've been the problem- shit, even Jesus got to be the problem!
So what if you're the problem? The cure is still acceptance and detachment, but add a dash of accountability. Sometimes we create problems in the outside world because we have problems in our inside world; and instead of healing and letting go of those problems, we try to combat them in the physical world around us. Projection. You've done it, I've done it, your mother has done it...you are not perfect, and that's okay. Once you realize that you are the problem, or you're the one creating the problems...firstly, give yourself a round of applause.
A lot of people are simply not capable of examining their situation, and determining that they are the "bad guy"....even if it's really obvious. Admitting you're in the wrong is not a weakness, it is a strength. After patting yourself on the back for being accountable, try to determine why you were being a trouble maker. Are you reliving a trauma, and dragging everyone around you into your dramatic re-inaction? Has your insecurity outgrown your confidence? Is it anger? Boredom? Fear?
While you're getting a grip on your new life as an accountable, strong human being, make sure to make amends with those you were likely driving crazy. Ask them how they feel, offer them your compassion, and set the intention to make the situation right. Once you've congratulated yourself, asked yourself the right questions, and made amends- forgive your damn self. FORGIVE YOURSELF.
"I accept that I was being destructive. I cannot control what others' think of me, but I can control myself. I am going to detach from the outcome, and do what I know in my heart is right."
Accept, detach, rinse, repeat. Let go, don't destroy. You only have one shot at this life- do you really want to watch it all turn to ash?