Control Freak.

June 4, 2017

 

If I could force everybody to put their shopping carts back where they belong, I would. My eyes burn when I see a hearty individual bypass taking their cart the (always) short distance to the cart coral, and drive away...leaving the empty retail vessel to inhibit the parking experience of future customers. This is a long-standing pet peeve of mine, but it's not as crippling to my psyche as it used to be. Alas, I cannot force people to put their carts back. We cannot force anyone to do anything. This pet peeve really has nothing to do with shopping carts, but everything to do with being a recovering control freak.

 

As an aspiring minister, it is difficult to admit I possess this character flaw. In fact, I have put more effort into dissolving this aspect of myself, than anything else in my life. Control freak behavior is a toxic gas that permeates through every aspect of your life.  Often times, you don't realize how infected by it you are. I am proud to say I have traveled figurative miles from where I used to be in control freakness; but I still have a long way to go.  Accountability is paramount for me, and I take great care in mercilessly ripping myself to shreds so I can become a better person. Personal progression involves a great deal of humility, and it's hard to have humility when you're a control freak. Ironically, the control freaks can't seem to make progress because of this, even though they appear to have everything in order.

 

Having humility is symbiotic with vulnerability, and vulnerability is impossible for the control freak.  I speak to vulnerability in a spiritual sense, not so much to how it is defined. As it is defined, we are always vulnerable. A meteor could slam into your house while you're binge watching Netflix- oops, you're dead. There is not a single moment in your life when you are not vulnerable. Period. Vulnerability, in a spiritual sense, is knowing and accepting your susceptibility; and being more open and available because of it. If you're not open to everything, you're not open to anything; and if you spend all you're time deflecting possibly negative situations, you miss all the good ones. A control freak cannot accept susceptibility, it's like walking on glass while listening to a soundtrack of fingernails on chalkboards.

 

For me, the first step in dissolving my inner control freak wasn't making an effort to not control my surroundings; it was accepting my actual, total lack of control of my surroundings. Sure, you can relocate a desk in your apartment, lock your doors at night, recycle, and take any other reasonable action or precaution...but does that really put you in control? It sure as hell doesn't; but it makes you feel like you are, which is where the compulsive behavior begins. Which is why I raised my awareness to how often I would move things, change things, compulsively demand things of my staff(s) for no real legitimate reason. I did it A LOT.

 

I did it approximately...all day every day.

 

I won't torture you with the stories of withdrawals (actually), anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, panic, or the loss of people I was enabling with my control freak behavior. Loosing people was the hardest part, it caused aches that had their own aches. I will just leave you with how I started my journey towards control freak recovery, and that brief disclaimer about how challenging it can be.

 

Just remember, you could trip over your cats, and break your neck any minute- oops, you're dead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rev. Meg

"A Happy Medium"

© 2017 by The Vessel

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Oceanside, CA

Encinitas, CA

San Diego, CA